What I'm giving up for Lent.

Ash Wednesday. It's the start of Lent of course, but it is also the day that totally sneaks up on me. It's the slowest sneak-up in the history of sneak-ups because I know it is coming for months. Why I wind up surprised on the morning of Fat Tuesday is really part of the whole mystery of the season for me. And this year was no different. 

Of course, working in the Catholic publishing world, I am generally immersed in Lent "stuff" months prior to Ash Wednesday. We're preparing emails and campaigns designed to help people find books, webinars, email newsletters, and other resources to help them have a great Lent. And I believe we are helping people. I was thinking about what to do for Lent as far back as Gaudete Sunday (the other Church day that slowly sneaks up on me). 

So why, one day prior, was I still on the fence about what to do for my Lent practice this year?

In the confessional last Saturday, the last one before Lent started, I fessed up to the priest that I was considering a particular "give up." I told him what it was and that I had been praying about it, but was not getting any clarity. He, not surprisingly, suggested a possible "add-in" instead of giving something up, and had a couple of suggestions. It was sweet, but really shed no additional light on what I should do. What I was going to give up would have been sort of difficult, not impossible, but my motive was my hang-up. Was I doing this for Jesus, or for me? 

Sometime yesterday afternoon, I realized that there was something very specific that I have been holding on to for a long time. Something that would be pretty damn hard for me to give up, much more difficult than my on-the-fence idea. But I knew without a doubt that it would be more life changing and impactful than what I told the priest I was thinking about giving up. 

But it made my stomach flip over. Could I do it? Could I really give up this "thing" that I realized I was clinging to like a security blanket? This smelly, moldy security blanket? And if I say I'm going to do it I have to follow through. But it's complex, multi-faceted, and involves other people. Maybe I could just give up ice cream or something (I don't eat ice cream). The more I thought about it, the more I thought: if I want to make a real sacrifice this Lent, this is what I need to do. 

So, without dragging it out any further, my give-up for Lent is....

Yeah, I can't tell you that. 

Not exactly, anyway. I will tell you this. What it boils down to is a lot of little things that have worked themselves into my day-to-day existence that are just not good. Things like gossip, griping, whining, passive-aggression, self-pity.

On the surface one might say, "those things are not that big a deal, everyone does it." And they'd be right, most of us do. But added up, over time, it takes a toll. It's like that non-stick cookie sheet you have in your cabinet that started out super smooth and non-sticky, and then over time develops this dark, baked-on black grossness that just doesn't come off. You tell yourself it's clean, but anyone looking at it would think otherwise. (Please tell me I am not the only one with a cookie sheet like this...)

I have a little plan for how to chip away at these things, but my plans are usually junk, so the Big Plan is actually to lay it all down and claim this verse from the Psalm from today's liturgy: 

A clean heart create for me, God;

renew within me a steadfast spirit.

 I do know this. It's probably going to take more than the 6 weeks of Lent for this to happen. And it's probably going to look nothing like I think. But I'm ready for it. 

Pray for me. I'm praying for you.